A conversation between Fear and Hope

 There is no rehearsal for living; It's one big improvisation. We wake up inside a symphony that we didn't write, choose, or ever hear before; The chaotic, astounding beauty and breathe-taking ache of life. Fear says, "Sit still." Paralysis by not-knowingness. "What will THEY think," it wonders, "Of our dissonance?"

"Sing. Sing anyway!" Hope retorts. "Sing out of rhythm, out of tune, a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants melody. Listen, learn. Listen to your own voice, listen to the sweetness of the violins, and the lament of badly tuned guitars; listen to the shouts and the cries, and the magic of an unexpected harmony. And then, whatever you can offer, sing. Sing the best version of you. That's all you can do."

STRAWBERRY MOON

Ode to Divorce

"Have a nice day"

said the courthouse clerk.

I wondered at what she meant

by saying such a thing

and how she could say such a thing

As disbanded vows

filed in and out

to be signed and sealed

unpromises,

stoic masks hiding

broken inner children crying,

"Why couldn't you love me?"

Where unified sands

disunited into the ocean

to learn to be themselves again.

Where tattoos

burned memorial reminders

that love

has nothing to do

with attachment 

And that memories, like love,

can not be erased

by paperwork under oath

and cover-up ink.

If only love

was so easy to discontinue

as the things that represent it.

Family photographs

exit their frames

less ceremoniously

than their grand entrance,

as if to recant:

"Beautiful creatures

are not meant to be captured."

Golden rings

Once full ~ now empty

Stammer

and stutter,

shaken, and shocked:

"I'm sorry for keeping you."

The Blue Ridge Mountains

showed me that, sometimes,

love is a wildfire.

It sets alight and sweeps away

all that is known

Leaving fertile soils

for new growth.

Photographic memories

burn me

with magnificent colors

though I yearn

for the burn out

when I can sweep up the ash.

For now

I throw our sands

deep into the Quinebaug.

'Maybe one day

pieces of me

will meet pieces of you

in the dance,'

I reflect,

as I sit beside myself,

sitting beside the river.

"Have a nice day."

I wondered

at how a simple phrase

could mean so much;

I mean,

if you heard it

for what it really means to say

no more ~ and no less.

I wish

words, and vows, and wedding rings

didn't so often

lose their magnitude

to habit and mindlessness.

"Have a nice day",

said the courthouse clerk.

Something like a tear

glistened in my eye

and I thanked her silently.

On The Subject of Art

As an artist, putting creative works out into the public eye to be judged is not always easy. Inevitably, the thing that you pour your heart and soul into won't be everyone's cup of tea. People will criticize your creative choices, your message, your genre, your skill, or your presentation. And often, the greatest critic is the artist himself. There may be times when confidence falters, the drive to share one's art diminishes, and you are left asking yourself, "Why?" If it is for profit, or to fuel the ego, then life as an artist may disappoint. But if the answer is quite simply, that you create because you must; that otherwise it would sitting inside of your heart, or scribbled onto a notepad, sung only to the walls of your apartment; that it heals, inspires, and rejuvenates you; that you hope it may touch another's life in a similar way; or any variation of these; then my advice is always to keep on joyfully with the process of creation and sharing, taking constructive feedback (from oneself or others) that resonates with your vision as a challenge to grow rather than a death sentence to one's journey. It is better to share with the world what you have to offer than not share anything at all; you never know what lives you will touch. And chances are, you're reaching someone.

The Night My Drink Was Spiked

The other night my drink was spiked.

This is a story that I share in the hopes that at least one person will come away from it more aware of risks and equipped with the appropriate safety precautions for themselves and loved ones. I was very lucky to come out of my experience with minimal effects, but any twist of events could have easily left me a very different story to tell.

Statistics suggest that 1 in 10 people have had their drinks spiked, although the real number is impossible to tell. Contrary to popular belief, most modern day drugs used to spike drinks cannot be detected by testing, so victims will have no hard evidence and may not report, thinking that nothing will come of it or that they will be disbelieved. Contrary to popular belief, only 20-30% of these incidents are followed by sexual or physical assault; the rest are prank spikings, usually carried on by a perpetrator with no criminal history who's only intent is to watch their victim's response.
The other night my drink was spiked. The man who bought me the drink was a new acquaintance among our circle of friends, generally considered to be at times creepy and disrespectful but otherwise harmless. And while I wasn't exactly thrilled by his relentless requests to dance, buy drinks, and play music after my repeated polite declines, overall he seemed jovial and innocent. That night he told me that he had been playing music with his daughters and invited me to join. "You have to accept my friend request on facebook though!" He teased. "Oh yeah! I'm really bad at keeping up with that stuff. I will," I chuckled. Anyone who knows me knows it can be a pain in the butt trying to get in touch with me through social media, email, or phone. As my husband and I watched him and yet another woman swing and laugh around the dance floor, we concluded that if he was a bit clueless, he was at least well-meaning.

About an hour later, I took a sip of a round of drinks he had bought my husband and I while we played a set of music with the band; the first drink I had taken all day, on a full stomach from eating right before the event. The drink didn't taste like what I had asked for, but I assumed he misheard me. I took another sip between songs. Within minutes, the world around me began to spin and the music boomed and muffled. My ears rang. The song we were playing seemed to last an eternity, but I leaned into my keyboard for balance and soldiered on before excusing myself to sit down. Instead of getting better, my vision and hearing started fading out. My hands went numb. I desperately crawled towards the nearest person, and at the risk of embarrassment muttered that I thought somebody might have put something in my drink... a claim that must have sounded unlikely in a room mostly full of friends. "Maybe it's just the lights," he replied, and quickly walked away. Some well-meaning folks offered water and suggested I eat something, then left me to recover. I thought about begging someone to stay with me, but decided I'd already made enough of a fool of myself. "It's probably just some bizarre panic attack or weird health issue," I tried to convince myself. Alone at the table, I immediately regretted my hesitation as, to my horror, my muscles seized up into partial paralysis. I could only stiltingly move my arms, head, and facial muscles at a snails pace: a stillness that wouldn't seem uncanny to anyone who knew me to be a quiet, reserved individual. The idea for shouting for help was embarrassing, if I could even vocalize at all, given that I had just been disbelieved; the idea of lurching my half functional and disoriented body off my chair towards the nearest bystander seemed impossible. I craned my neck around to see if I could wave anyone down. I locked eyes with the man who bought me the drink; the only one person in the room, who, every time I looked at him, was intently observing me throughout the whole ordeal. The man who, in my short time of knowing him, was always, always flirting with women or dancing across the room with a jovial smile. The man who had never failed to take the opportunity to approach me, especially when I was sitting alone. Now he sat across the room by himself, staring at me blankly. He did not dance with the other women. He did not speak to anyone. He did not smile or approach me, and he did not shy away from my gaze as I stared back at him unwaveringly. Then, he grabbed his things and left.

Shortly afterwards, the nurse at the ER informed me that according to my symptoms I was likely given one of the many modern day substances that do not show up in testing. I mistakenly believed that any drug would show up in testing, and that therefore no one would ever spike my drink in a room full of friends. But he likely knew it would not be detected; that there could be no legal charges against him. That night I looked up our acquaintance on social media: the man who had jovially invited me into his family music project and reminded me to accept his Facebook add only hours before had canceled his friend request to me that evening.

In retrospect, I am fortunate that things turned out the way they did. At high doses, these drugs can cause seizures, respiratory failure, coma, and death; what if I had guzzled down half the glass in the few minutes before I started to feel its effects, instead of two sips? I could have wound up telling a very different story.

Admittedly, sharing this is uncomfortable for me. In general I prefer to present my learnings to the world gently and joyfully, or hide behind the stories and statements of those I deem wiser than myself. I could sweep this under the rug and remain quiet. It would be less risky, less embarrassing. It's something I have done before. It's something many women have done before. But I think it's important I share this; that sometimes hearing the story of someone in your community hits home and registers as reality a little more than vague statistics and distant news stories. I know if I had heard a story like this before I would have thought twice about taking the drink. I've made it a life mission of mine to be a teller of difficult truths, to motivate action through awareness and speak for others who may have been silenced. So I share this in the hope that at least one person will read it and emerge better equipped to protect themselves and their loved ones. Let this be a note of precaution to us all.

Peace and love,
Nymphaea

Modern Day Sexual Objectification of Women

Advertising. Cinema. Pornography. Over the past several decades, the portrayal of women as sexual objects has become increasingly prevalent in mainstream media.

A recent analysis on the cover images of Rolling Stone magazine revealed an 89% increase in the sexualization of women since the 1960s. "Sexualized portrayals of women have been found to legitimize or exacerbate violence against women and girls, as well as sexual harassment and anti-women attitudes among men and boys," Hatton says. "Such images also have been shown to increase rates of body dissatisfaction and/or eating disorders among men, women and girls; and they have even been shown to decrease sexual satisfaction among both men and women." 

Instantaneously available to anyone with internet access, pornography portrays women as objects of exploitation for men and normalizes degrading and forceful sexual acts, desensitizing men to violence against women as discussed by several studies in this exerpt from Diana Russell's book Against Pornography: The Evidence of Harm.

Russell's book details far-reaching consequences of the widespread normalization of sexual objectification and violence in the media. A 1992 study of high school students on rape-supportive beliefs found that a shocking 57% of boys thought it was at least "maybe okay" to hold a girl down and force sex in some situations. Only 21% believed forced sex is never acceptable. Immediately after viewing degrading pornographic material, boys were much more likely to be accepting of sexual violence and minimalize the victim's suffering. Needless to say, after long-term exposure the effects are amplified, men become more likely to agreed with such statements as "many times a woman will pretend she doesn't want to have intercourse because she doesn't want to seem loose, but she's really hoping the man will force her", and "sometimes the only way a man can get a cold woman turned on is to use force". Though sexual assault can occur at all ages, college age women are 4 times more likely to be victims than any other age group. Too often young men justify their forceful sexual behaviors with the erroneous argument that a woman "doesn't really mean no" and "secretly enjoys it". Alternatively, a harasser may justify his actions with a naturalistic fallacy, dismissing his unwanted advances as something beyond his conscious control.

This attitude toward women can have long-term detrimental effects spanning beyond a one-time abusive encounter, as victims of harassment are at risk of objectifying themselves. Women who have been adversely affected by sexual abuse generally have one of two response: a tendency to avoid intimacy completely, or to act out in a hyper-sexual manner. How can this dichotomy be explained? In the former case, a young girl who is exploited may feel she is unfairly devalued to nothing more than a sexual object, and as a result avoids all sexual encounters in an attempt to fight for her value as worthwhile, wholesome human being. On the other side of the coin, it is natural for humans to desire a feeling of significance, value, worthiness, and purpose. If a young girl is led to believe that her only worth is that of a physical nature, she may seek out sexual approval under the erroneous belief that it is the only way she will be loved and valued. These women may become promiscuous or even enter into the adult industry as strippers, escorts, and pornographic entertainers. In effect, the woman has objectified herself.
 
Indeed, sex sells, and the dehumanization of women has fueled one of the more disturbing practices in the sex industry, the abduction of young girls for sex trafficking; a modern day form of slavery in which girls are forced into prostitution. Read two such stories here.

Clearly, sexualized imagery in the media and the expanding adult industry both have a powerful effect on degrading attitudes and behaviors towards women. As society's depiction of women becomes more superficial, women in turn begin to objectify themselves. Modern culture encourages the sexual objectification of girls from childhood in less explicit ways as well. For example, merchandise for children (clothing, dolls, makeup) often puts an unhealthy focus on a girl's physical appearance, encouraging self-objectification. Girls learn that their value lies in the physical realm and endeavor to tailor their appearance to reflect popular culture and celebrities, drawing sexual attention to themselves at a younger age. As women become more accepting of this value system, not only does it create a risk for depression, eating disorders, and even issues with cognition - it increases the likelihood that they will submit themselves to sexually degradation within relationships and in the workforce.

It is virtually impossible to protect one's children from sexual imagery in a culture whose mainstream media is infiltrated with these images and attitudes. There are emerging modern day risks that parents, teachers, and other caretakers must take into account; a predominant risk being today's internet technology, which makes it entirely feasible for a young child to obtain access to pornography (for example, this article from Psychology Today discusses how such children, unable to process this information in a healthy manner, may act out sexually on their younger siblings or classmates). Certainly it is important that parents are attentive to the media available to their children. But exposure to sexually degrading attitudes rampant in today's society is nearly inevitable, and I believe the best method of protecting children from negative outcomes is to teach them about healthy interpersonal values and gender equality from a young age. It is more vital than ever that today's children and young adults are instilling with with a strong value system that will help them resist the effects of this hyper-sexualized nation.

Separating the offender from the crime

I recently read a passage in Howard Cutler's book with the Dalai Lama, "The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World" discussing the root of acts of cruelty. Are some people fundamentally evil? The Dalai Lama argues 'no'. Many would argue for the opposite. Perhaps it is easier to separate Us from Them. If criminals are born fundamentally evil, than we can rest at ease with the knowledge that ourselves and our loved ones are not capable of turning down a violent path of bullying, abuse, even murder. To acknowledge the possibility that environmental conditioning plays a role in bringing about evil acts is frightening, because we realize the breadth of humanity with the potentiality for violence given the right circumstances. Others might critically reject this theory, accusing it of excusing the perpetrator of a violent act; but removing personal responsibility is not the intent. Anyone who has engaged in criminal behavior has a responsibility to recognize their wrongdoings, make reparations, and change. Some are more susceptible to violence that others; individual characteristics play a role. Not everybody who grows up in a violent community will learn violence as a way of life. Still, the Dalai Lama reserves the permanent label "evil" for the criminal act but not the criminal himself, implying that the offender's behavior is not inherently characteristic but rather temporary, learned after a period of negative conditioning. 

Nobody is born with a dehumanizing attitude. Rather, these things are cultivated over time, due to the interplay of personal traits and external conditioning. An exaggerated sense of the differences amongst individuals and social groups may lead to prejudice and discrimination, attitudes that set the foundations for inhumane treatment. Certainly, there are some born with the inability to read others' emotions, rendering them nearly incapable of feeling empathy, putting them in the risk category for sociopathic behavior. But even these people feel emotions of their own; they may not feel pain when another expresses pain, or joy in another's joy, but they are aware that those emotional experiences of their own occurs within each and every human being they encounter. With the right circumstances, the individual without empathy learns appropriate behavior through rationalization and positive environmental conditioning. 

As an example of how environment plays a role in moral behavior, Dalai Lama calls to mind a psychology experiment by Stanley Milgram (Yale) that has been repeated and confirmed many times. In the experiment, subjects are told they are engaging in research exploring new ways to improve memory. A 'Learner' is strapped into an electrical chair and asked a series of questions. The participants take on the role of the 'Teachers' and are asked to administer electrical shocks of increasing intensity each time the Learner responds incorrectly. (Unbeknownst to the subjects, the learner is actually a member of the experimenter's team and there are no actual shocks administered). As the shocks get more intense, the Learner begins to scream and writhe in pain, complains of a heart condition, bangs on the window to be released, and refuses to answer any more questions. But the 'scientist' encourages the subject to complete the experiment. At the very highest shock level, the Learner keels over and doesn't move, presumably unconscious or dead. An astounding two thirds of participants continued electrocuting the Learners up until the end. It appears that they're internal moral judgement was temporarily displaced by their trust in a knowledgeable 'authority' - in this case a man in a lab coat claiming to be a scientist. However, if researcher disguised himself as a participant in the study, and led the way in 'rebelling' against the scientist (refusing to continue administering shocks), 90% of the subjects followed suite. In yet another spin on the experiment, subjects were 'hired' as a part of the experimenter's team. When given a place of authority, the percentage was reversed - an astounding 90% encouraged shocks to be administered up until the end!

The Dalai Lama's example reveals how normal, morally sound individuals can be swayed by their leader into committing terrible acts of violence. Milgram's experiment also presents evidence of the groupthink phenomenon, in which individual judgement is sacrificed to evade social rejection or for the sake of interpersonal harmony. This tendency to displace moral reasoning into the hands of authority and follow societal norms has contributed to major social injustice such as racism and religious wars; It also plays a role in smaller-scale violence: for example, the current trend of submitting adolescents and young adults to violent initiation practices in school fraternities, marching bands, and sports teams. (This trend is discussed in more detail in Psychology Today's article Foolish Hazing). 

I am reminded of Kohlberg's Stages of Moral Development, which discusses this tendency of members of society to allow their moral code to be dictated by an outside force, government and law, rather than inner reasoning. Kohlberg states that while this conventional stage of morality represents the majority of society, a small percentage of people reach a level of moral reasoning that more consistently reflects universal ethical principles, following their code of morality even in opposition to societal values. It seems Kohlberg was on track; his descriptions are consistent with the trends demonstrated by Milgram's experiment. While a select few will act according to their own moral standards regardless of circumstances, many people are heavily influenced by authority and the societal values surrounding them. The beginnings of violence can often be traced back to negative conditioning within an individual's community. It is not unreasonable to conclude that this process can work in reverse; that with sufficient positive reconditioning, many perpetrators of crime can learn to forgo a violent lifestyle. 

"Make no mistake: it is essential to maintain law and order. Real peace is not possible without it. But neither is peace possible without mercy, which is the basic ingredient of forgiveness and compassion, the true basis of a civilized society. We may take sides against crime, but we should be careful that we do not take sides against the 'sinners'."  - Jos Slabbert